Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
W. C. Fields
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W. C. Fields quotes
I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I drink therefore I am.
I hear the tusks are looser in Alabama.
I like children - fried.
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
I never met a kid I liked.
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?
Never give a sucker an even break.
On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
Roomservice, Roomservice, don't send up any more ice.
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
Stop following me, are you following me? That'll get you twelve years at Leavenworth, or eleven years at twelveworth, or five and ten at Woolworth's.
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. "I'm looking for a loop-hole," he explained.
Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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